i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Randomize
