if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
