Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
