Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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