I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
