I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
