Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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