If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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