I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
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