Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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