I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
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