I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
