There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I need to stop coming to work sober
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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