I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
