1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
