Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
