just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Randomize
