hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Randomize
