Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
