how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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