I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Randomize
