I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
