I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
I booty called her while she was in labor.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
