So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
