it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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