hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Randomize
