If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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