i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
