and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Randomize
