If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
whose ass print is on the piano?
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
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