explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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