I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Randomize
