No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
