I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Randomize
