He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
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