I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
This is classic penis vs brain.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
