In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Randomize
