I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
