You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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