Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
