When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
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