I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
