saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Randomize
