Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
