k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
