I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Randomize
