Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Randomize
