Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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