You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
