you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
When did we convert life to cartoon?
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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