do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Randomize
